Back to school can be both an exciting and chaotic time for families. The kiddos are looking forward to meeting their teachers, reconnecting with classmates and friends and participating in fall sports and activities and are possibly also a bit anxious about the unknown of the next school year. With back-to-school shopping, orientations and events, sports starting back up, doctors’ visits and maybe even working in one last family getaway, it is no wonder that families often feel a bit stressed and disconnected as the leisurely time of summer makes way for a more action-packed schedule.
While “divide and conquer” is often the go-to strategy to cover all the bases, what are some other ways parents can do or think about to stay connected and save their sanity?
Beware of the Default Parent Syndrome
The default parent is the parent who ends up, by default, doing most of the tasks related to the kids. It’s the parent who has the finger on the pulse of the kids: their day-to-day lives; their emotional, social and educational needs; medical appointments; deadlines for school; etc. This can create a relational imbalance between parents that can lead to resentment and disconnection. This dynamic is often exacerbated during busier, more stressful times such as back to school, putting an unduly burden on one parent while the other parent is more removed.
It’s important to note: The default parent is very often, but not always, the mom. The nondefault partner may not mean for this dynamic to exist, but it can happen, nonetheless. Couples need to discuss this dynamic — often unfairly placed on mothers. If they don’t, the nondefault parent is directly perpetuating this dynamic — even if they desire equity on paper.
Being aware of this potential issue is the first step, while putting together a back-to-school action list and dividing up the responsibilities between both parents (and even children if they are old enough) is a great way to make sure the burden is not shifted onto one person. Once the plan has been put together, make sure to continue to check in with one another to make any necessary adjustments.
Be Responsive to One Another
Be in tune to one another during this hectic time. If one parent is communicating about a concern or issue, it is important to take a moment, be present, hear them and acknowledge what they have shared.
The parent intentionally expressing could say something along the lines of, “I feel like I am drowning” or “I am losing myself.” If there is no response or support from the other parent or partner, it will create distance and disconnection.
Everyone deserves to be seen, heard and understood, especially by their partner. Taking a time out from the hustle and bustle and creating intentional space for a conversation about how each partner is feeling allows for that opportunity. It doesn’t need to be daily or require a dinner out — it can be as simple as 10 minutes on your backyard patio.
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